December 21st, 2006

sidways

my secret: telling the truth, in the spirit of christmas

In the Post Secret book, I found a secret that could be hers. Of course, you all know know who her is. If you still read this, you know who you are.

It said:
I was a bitch to you.
I knew you loved me.
I'm so sorry.


There was a picture behind it that resembled my face so much I did a double-take. I'm fairly certain I'm imagining it, though because she would never do something like that. 

I would do something like that. 

I started writing so many things down here, but all of my words are either overstating or diminishing. I will probably never get it exactly right. And I'm okay with that. 

I thought I had a secret to share, but I guess I don't. I don't really keep secrets. You know that. The only secrets I've kept were yours. Yes, really. (And anyone else who told me something I had to swear never to repeat.) I respected you when I should have been questioning you. I trusted you when I should have been wary of you. I loved you when I should have been loving myself first. I didn't. I loved you first. Those are just some of the lessons I learned. But I've lost all the anger. I let it go. 

It has taken me two and a half years, but I am finally learning how to let  you go. I will think of you always and wish you well. 

You can rewrite anything you like, but I know who I am now & what that time meant to me. I will remember. I will get stronger. Everyday.

I had no true resolve or peace - it was the stuff I created for myself that got me through it. I guess you are the only person you can rely on to get yourself through anything. And for me, writing has saved me. No matter how many times I put it down, a new revelation always comes to me. So maybe this is all obvious, but I needed to say it. 

Not for you, for me this time.

Merry Christmas.

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